flawed design

Let me tell you about something weird that's begun to take place in my head.

I've (finally) begun to disassociate myself a bit from the opinions that others have of me (I think) and to objectively analyse myself according to what I really am. I'm becoming more aware of my limitations - not in an emotive, reactive way, but rather in an analytical frame of mind in which I can see them as they are. Because of this, I find myself more able to weigh them in the balanced light of my strengths. This, in conjunction with my belief that I can choose to ignore my weaknesses and barge ahead as if only my strengths exist, has (I think) been helping me to see that I can make a difference and enact positive change as I allow myself to live as he whom I am meant to be.

Mistake not your understanding in this, though. I'm not saying that I think I'm the maximum utmost - just that I'm meant to be good and I don't have to believe myself incapable just because someone else doubts me.

When insulted, for instance, my tenancy has been to accept the insult as gospel truth and to work harder to earn back the confidence of the insulter. I've come to think that this response is not humility (a good thing), but rather a form of self-hatred. The more appropriate response, the one I'm trying to learn, is to mentally pause when insulted or doubted or diminished by Another and ask myself whether there is some truth in what they are saying. If there is, then I can admit it to them and work to make a change. If not, then I can try to understand the insulter's aggression so I can face it with more humility and grace.

That's just a tangential manifestation of the direction I seem to be taking, but I guess what I'm really getting at is that I'm starting to feel that I needn't hate myself for loving myself. To hate yourself is, by extension, to hate the source of yourself. Since I do not believe the source of myself to be random chance (which, as an inanimate entity, cannot be authentically hated), I end up hating my creator, which I think is a mode of attempting to avoid the responsibilities of creatureliness.

That is to say, if I am aweful as a result of a "flawed design" then I am not culpable when I do aweful things (even if it's just doing nothing). However, if I am good by design and merely flawed by nature, then I have a responsibility for my choices. If I see someone suffering (next door, on the news, wherever) and do absolutely nothing, then I am choosing a morally despicable thing, and I should stop that. This is a heavy weight to bear but is, I think, borne regardless of my preference in the matter.

Once again, however, I've veered off without accounting for grace. Grace is there, yes. Grace does not, however, eliminate responsibility. It merely transfers culpability.

This is, as we say in the habedashery business, old theological hat. As anyone who's studied philosophy or clothing design can attest, however, it is much easier to "know" something in some abstract mental space than it is to believe and fully live it on an existential level.

What I'm saying is that I think I may be approaching a moment of clarity illuminated by a light beam temporarily refracted off the inimitable plane of rightness. Or, in terms that even I can understand, good things (I think) are happening in between my ears (I believe).

moolah-lah-lah

As a planter of trees, I'm a part of a big corporation - I act out a small part of the process by which lumber companies fulfill their legal obligations so they can cut more trees. Most of Canada's already been logged once, and lumber is a sustainable resource when managed/farmed properly, but that doesn't make me less of a cog in the Machine. This pushes me into a fair bit of self-ponderation and justification. I make good money, and with my thoughts being the way they are regarding poverty and wealth, I'm forced to consider my understanding of money so I can lead the thirty-plus people under my tutelage in non-destructive directions.

So, here are some thoughts I have on money:

First, I think that regardless of our " economic status" we should hold our money very loosely, recognizing that wealth is fleeting.

Second, I think that we should live as though we really believed that none of our money is actually our own - that we are merely stewards.

Third, I think that we should recognize that as stewards, we are accountable for every last penny, and that we should therefore learn to be wise with money.

Fourth, I think that we should work hard to learn the character of the Source of all good things so that we can know what it is we should do with any wealth we might be fortunate enough to garner.

Fifth and finally, I think we should struggle to remain humble and to acknowledge that our wealth is NOT the result of any virtue or inherent goodness of our own. Twenty percent of the world's population lives on eighty percent of the world's resources. Remember that SIX HUNDRED MILLION children grow up in extreme poverty, through no specific choice of their own. Hard-working, morally-minded people are often poor, while wicked, lazy people are often rich - it's a question of circumstances.

We need to be wise and discerning, but whenever our desire to plan for the future gets in the way of our ability to "look not to our own needs but first to the needs of others", then we have missed out on real, eternity-minded living.

Through all this we should remember that focussing too much on externals like small green paper rectangles is silly, and ultimately anti-Love. It doesn't matter how much someone has, but rather their use of it and their heart attitude towards it. Let him who's never selfishly frittered away resources cast the first cell phone. Or something.