Are you a man... or a mouse?

The first and absolutely most importantest thing about being a Real Man is to pee standing up. This is because you have a penis, which distinguishes you from women, who can't pee standing up because it is too messy. It is pretty messy for you, too (what with all the splatter), but you still have to do it because it shows that you can do things girls cannot. Being a Real Man - and pay attention, because this is the untanned , bare bodkin of the matter - is about showing dominance by being able to do more things (and better) than other men.

Take war, for instance. War has always been a great way for men to prove they're real by showing other men that they're better at swordplay and inventing nifty and (...er) inventive ways to kill their enemies, and their enemy's wives, and concubines, and children - yea, even unto the fourth generation (so help me God). This is cool - not just because of the the killing, though. There's also the violence that leads up to the killing, and the preparation and planning and strategizing that, like chess, allows you to show that you're more clever and crafty and intelligent than other men as you kill them. This, obviously, makes you more real.

Unfortunately, war has undergone in recent years a bit of a dip in popularity among the more educated classes. See, while war was always a very real, very final way of proving your manhood (because, let's face it, if you are alive and the other guy is only decomposing, carbon-based putty, you win the Real Man contest) there has always been the pesky little problem of the writhing and the screaming and the rolling on the ground, groaning for death to come. Not very manly, you'll agree.

Previously, the men who lived through war shrugged these dying pansies off and went back to sharpening their swords. Then an irrevocable event occurred - one of those rolling, screaming guys actually lived, went home, and made a movie about it. The movie wasn't pretty and so, for the first time, men started to doubt whether war was such a good idea, after all. Why go die in great pain ourselves, they wondered, when we can build up patriotic fervor and get all the males from the lower income, "lower class" families to go off and fight instead? That way, we get the benefits of war without the potential for getting our heads blown off. Population stays firmly under control and there are always plenty of women around.

This introduces, indirectly, two of the other main ways to be a Real Man - having lots of money and women. We'll get to that later, but first I should talk about sports.

From the beginning of time, sports have been fairly well derivative of war activities. The pre-Incans, for instance, played a game very much like basketball, with the notable difference that the losing team forfeited their lives, wives and manly toys to the victors. Then there was jousting in the middle ages, fencing, boxing, karate and football - all ways to enjoy the violence of war without the inconvenience of a stinking, rotting corpse. Elaborate rules developed over time in sports to ensure that (for the most part) all players stayed alive, but the same basic drive underwrote them all - dominate the opponent and by so doing prove that you are more of a Real Man. And if, as a man, you find it overly painful to wait for a final score to prove dominance, there's always smack, trash, or junk to be talked.

Now, the sad truth is that not everyone can be the most dominant - not even the many rich, talented people who so deserve that distinction. Fortunately, sport offers a variety of alternatives for the "losers". First, there are a whole mess of levels of sport, so that even if you are not the world's best, you can at least be the best in your country, or region, or town, or street. As long as you're not the absolute worst person at absolutely every sport, you can still consider yourself to be dominant, and therefore a Real Man.

And if, by some freak of nature, you don't actually like any sports, there are quite a few other ways that you can dominate other men. Like the aforementioned chess, or being a popular artist, or war strategizing (as long as it's the rednecks getting shot up, it's ok), or academia (debate, papers, et cetera), or building large buildings, or... or... nope, I think that's it. But seriously, you should probably get with the program.

Still, even if you suck at sports and can't build buildings, you have the option of revelling in glorious, vicarious Real Manhood. All you have to do is pick a team to be "yours". Then, when they dominate another team, you can prattle on about how "we" did this and that and the other. The best part is that if your team loses, they quickly become "those jerks" who just can't seem to get it together (the idiots). It is almost better than real sports or war, because you just can't lose.

Still, you can't always be going to war or encouraging others to go to war or watching or playing sports. That's where the money I mentioned earlier comes in. Have lots of it. It is that simple, and I don't think I really need to dwell on it. Have lots of money, and demonstrate your dominance over other men by buying the most expensive stuff you can afford. And if you can't afford it, buy it anyways - have I made it clear that your manhood is at stake?

Possession, you see, is another form of dominance, of power, of control. It's nine-tenths of the law, for Jim's sake! This leads to a note on women. Do whatever you have to to get a woman other men want. In fact, get lots of them. The more you get, the better. The Real Man's motto is as follows: "women want me, and men want to be me". The two things are intrinsically interconnected. Don't forget it.

Oh, and by the way, one of the best ways to possess women is to be a real man in other ways - like by killing their husbands or beating everyone at sports or owning the most expensive house, clothes, toys, tech and cars. Women dig that stuff, because they understand that their place in life is to be Ornaments to the monoliths that are Real Men. This is an important point: there is no such thing as a Real Woman. Women achieve and lose reality in relation to how they are perceived, desired and possessed by men. I mean, seriously - what woman ever started a war? Or peed standing up? Or asserted obstreperously in public assembly that another group of women (as distinguished by race, creed or economic status) was inferior and should be dominated? None. Ever. I rest my case.

Women do, however, serve many important purposes. They do housework, for instance, which allows men more time to dominate other men, prove their Real Manhood, and justify the possession of the aforementioned wife. Even if they do want to go out and get a "job", that will just end up bringing in more money to cover basic household stuff, which means more money for toys.

Also, they bear children - who are possibly the most important emblems of a man's dominance. Children allow a man to take another human life and shape it, from the cradle, into the sort of person he wishes it to be. A man teaches his children their place and their roles in the hope that they will one day go on to remember him to future generations as a Real Man. It is important to be remembered so you can dominate more than just the people who happen, by circumstances beyond your control, to perpetrate the indignity of populating a time other than your own. The key is to extend your power as far as possible. That's how you'll be a Real Man.

This fathering bit is tricky, though. Sons, for instance, tend to think that they have to show their dominance by killing their fathers - or by ignoring them, which amounts to pretty much the same thing. There is no easy solution to Patricide. Except suicide, which is unmanly (unless, of course, it occurs in battle). This is unfortunate, but inevitable. The struggle to be a Real Man is always that - a struggle. You never fully succeed, because there will always be other men lurking around, trying to dominate you in turn.

But do not falter, men, and do not fail. You must persevere, because this is the way things are, have been, and always will be. Take pride. Crush the weak. Win always. Be strong. Be men.