salespeople

The Welcome Wagon rings yesterday and insists on infiltrating my home. Like most people, I'm not that thrilled to be called out of the blue by peppy people I don't know from Adam, but The Welcome Wagon sounds like a nice lady so I decide not to just bark loudly and hang up. After she's bulldozed through about three different times I figure are unacceptable for invasion, I summon the courage to ask what exactly it is that she does.

"Oh!" she gushes, "I just come around and welcome you into the neighborhood. I bring by some free gifts and tell you about some services that are available in the area."

FREE, FREE, YIPPEEEEE! goes the dutch part of my brain. DANGER - SALESPERSON - DANGER! goes my reasonable hemisphere. A raging battle is pitched and my hypothalamus suggests that I just put her off a moment while I come up with a plan. "Um. I'm not really the schedule person here, I'll have to check with my wife" I say.

"No problem," she says, "I only need one of you to be there. Listen, I'm doing this on Thursday afternoon, so I'll just pencil you in around three. Here's my number - 555-Roadkiller - goodbye." Click.

Geez, that was interesting, I think. But Thursday is a long way off, so I'll just put it in the back of my brain.

Then today (Wendsday) I get home and there's a message on my machine saying "where are you? It's about three-fifteen and our appointment was for three." News to me. Oh well, though. Another awkward situation avoided.

Then she says she'll leave some goodies with my landlady and will try to come by for a follow up to convince me that I need a high-tech alarm system that will call me to tell me I'm being burgled. Unfortunately, I have no cell phone, so if I am out they will just have to leave a message. Hopefully the theif won't take the machine, or I'll never know what happened.

I love salespeople. Love 'em. So here's the deal: if you're a salesperson in need of a sale, I'm dedicating the last week of this month to you. Drop on by and I swear on my mother's last tooth I will buy at least one of whatever you got. My address is 12345 Calamity Lane, Death Valley, AZ. I'm looking forward to it.