maybe you know

I don't know if there's anything left to say, really. I wrote down an entry entitled "the answer to everything" and capped it off with "the bare bodkin". It's all come down to the point that everything you do matters and that you shouldn't do it for yourself, and all that is left with is to get on here and write down all the ways I'm not measuring up to my own ideals.

Two years ago, I was hitching a ride to the ferry in Nanaimo on Vancouver Island from one of the owners of the planting company I was working for. The conversation tripped into the topic of money and stewardship and frugality and my views on it all and this world-weary head of a company destined for bankruptcy just kind of chuckled to himself and said, in an unintentionally patronizing sort of way, "yeah, I used to feel that way. Idealism's all very well and good when you're young, but just wait until you get older and you have kids".

I'm not gonna lie to you - a lot of the time I feel like just throwing in with that lot. My extremist ways might be true and right, but everybody compromises. Why not be intentional about that compromise and write off all the stress of "thinking too much".

I think I was twelve when I first started getting accused of thinking too much. Is that bad? Am I wrong? Is the life spent traipsing after self just better? I guess I sound like I'm in a blue funk, but I'm really not. I'm putting an authentic wonder on. It just seems like I'm swimming upcurrent here, and I'm really not strong enough for all that. Maybe you know what's up.