Jon started, Julia finished

All those insecurities about the value in writing/painting/et cetera I'm always blathering about prompted me to do an evil thing. I asked Jon, the master of this website, to figure a way for me to see if anybody is reading what I am writing. Eventually, he emailed me the address of a page where I can go to see exactly how much internet love I'm getting.

Last night, the lovely Julia Margaret asked me if there were any new updates for her to read and the topic got around to how many people in general look at this site. I told her and she said, "Whatever. No, really, about how many hits on average do you get in a day?" After blushing a bit and pretending to be modestly hesitant I repeated myself. She replied with something to the effect of, "no shizzle!" Her next comment got me right between the brain lobes - hard. "don't you just freeze up thinking about all those people who are going to read what you're writing?"

To which I have to say - no Julia, I didn't. Thanks. Now I not only have to deal with the fact that I've gotten my ego and sense of self all somewhat wrapped up in a "score" I can check daily, but also I have to add the fear of screwing up to the list.

Aha! So now you're thinking - why IS he writing this? What particular perversion of human nature is prompting him to put this down? Is he tooting his horn about the hits? If so, does he really think this isn't going to turn people off? To which I have to say - yes. Maybe. I don't know.

Fact is, when Julie said that, I had three options for this site. One, keep writing and try to repress my new fear/ego combo drive. Two, scrap writing and start copying out interesting quotes from other, better writers. Or three, write about the experience of being afraid of people reading what I've written, and hope that defuses it. That is the option I've chosen (of course), because the only way to really dismantle an atom bomb, unequipped as you are with the necessary knowledge and skills, is to sit around and talk about it. The bomb will still be there - it's true - but it probably won't be quite as scary once you have allowed yourself to vent a bit.

So thanks for listening.

And here's a quote: "What is demanded of man is not, as some existential philosophers teach, to endure the meaninglessness of life, but rather to bear his incapacity to grasp its unconditional meaningfulness in rational terms". - Victor E. Frankl (survivor of Nazi death camps)