about time

Now that I've written that title, "about time", I'm not sure whether I should write about how negligent I've been in not updating, or about the actual concept of "time".

Since I don't feel like excusing myself, and to get all philosophical would require me to think while my puppy whines incessantly in the kitchen to be let outside, I think I'll just have to skip all that and write instead about the word "negligent".

Although, on second thought, I'm a better entomologist than etymologist, so I think I'll just tell you about my three favorite insects (they're "insects", you see - not bugs. get it right).

OK. My first favorite insect is a velvet beetle. For sheer creative awesomeness, this one takes the cake. To begin with, its big: about three inches from head to thorax. It has antennae that shoot out forward from its head and then wrap all the way around its body and around its butt. But that's not the half of it - the velvet beetle is covered by swirling red and black patterns formed in a substance that feels - surprise, surprise - exactly like velvet! Frickin' awesome.

Second, we have the tarantula wasp, a black and gold monster that looks like a slow-motion hummingbird when its coming at your head. This spawn of satan mothers in a most unusual way: it attacks and stuns a tarantula and lays its eggs in the inert body. Then it flys away and leaves the poor arachnid to wake up and go on its way, thinking things are fine. They most definitely are not. When the eggs hatch, the larvae eat the spider from the inside-out, saving the vitals for last so their food stays super fresh. Disturbing? Yes. Nifty? Absolutely.

On to my third favorite insect, which is the leaf-cutter ant. Taken one at a time, they're nothing to shake your hat at: a centimeter long, reddish, and ant-looking. They don't even have a stinger. What they do have is beefy jaws that can cut through crazy-thick leaves. These little munchkins live in massive colonies under the ground. They cut trails through anything green across the forest floor in all directions to trees, which they then proceed to nakify. These small ants cut pieces of leaf twenty times their size and weight and take them back to special underground chambers, where they're then chewed up and used to farm yummy yummy fungus. Sometimes a big ant will even have a little ant hitching a ride on a piece of leaf, to protect it from aphids (nasty brutes). It's almost impossible to describe the experience of watching a bazillion of these buggers going at it, working day and night and absolutely stripping big old trees.

So, that's it then. My favorite insects. Aren't you glad you checked in? I know I am.

By the way, my ebay sales are ending this week. Down with stress!