this just in

Okay, everyone out there in la la land. Listen up! I've just received word that a ruler is coming who's going to bust open all your preconceived notions about what is good and right. He's going to expose you and me for the hypocrites we are. He's going to challenge us to shift our entire paradigms - off ourselves and onto a way of thinking utterly alien to us.

Here are some of the elements of his program, handed down to you at great expense (and even the deaths) of many dedicated agents. Do not take it lightly! Get this: we're supposed to "cease storing up money". We will be required to "die to ourselves" and "consider others better than ourselves". And here's the real kicker, this so-called "Prince of Peace" expects us to give our hard earned money away to people who need it more. He doesn't even bother, in this document, to exclude all those lazy poor people who got that way through their own indolence.

Trust me, people, this guy is dangerous. He will make you uncomfortable. He'll ask you to change. He may even demand that you stop spending so much time on yourself and your own betterment. Watch out! C-day is only a week away!